Title: Of War and Taters
Author: Ashley Chappell (@AshleyNChappell)
SYNOPSIS
Aside
from the occasional kitten in a tree, Stanley Grace's biggest
challenge as Sheriff of the tiny town of Merit has been his heiress
wife and her thinly veiled attempts to speed up the ‘til death do
us part’ clause in their wedding vows. However, that peace ended
when the national news picked up a local story about a violent gang
war in Merit. Unfortunately, the story ignored that the rival gangs
are in the 4th grade and actually best friends. Stanley and the town
get shoved unwillingly into the spotlight as national media,
celebrities (including the recently dead), and a visiting circus
pounce on them wagging the national finger in shame over the supposed
race-related violence.
But
when danger follows behind the chaos in the form of a bloody uniform
found just outside the town, Stanley finds himself facing bigger
problems than just the entire country calling his town racist. Armed
with a cup of luke-warm coffee, his smelly dog, and a little
supernatural help, it’s up to Sheriff Stanley to save his town from
newshounds, killers, and circus clowns alike.
EXCERPT
“Watch
where you’re backing that elephant up, boy! I don’t have time for
another shower, so kindly point him the other direction, thank you!”
Cyrus barked his commands proudly. No one could bark quite like
Cyrus. “You, over there! My, you’ve got something of a marmoset
face, don’t you? Never mind, just get that bear to put down the
damned poodle and get him back in his cage after he does his
business. And will somebody tell me where the damned dwarves are?”
As
ringmaster and commander of Sir Cyrus Cleansby’s Myriad of Marvels
travelling show, he surveyed his collapsible realm with the pride of
a pharaoh watching his pyramid being erected. The Egyptians might
have been onto a good thing with the sphinx, but it was a shame that
such a gold mine should be stuck out in the middle of the desert
going to waste. If he’d been pharaoh he’d have built one that
could be torn down and rebuilt as a summer house in Alexandria over a
weekend. A grunt from about waist level brought Cyrus’s attention
back down to earth.
“All
right, keep moving! And remember, five minute breaks are for the
unemployed!” He turned his attention back to the matter at hand.
“Now for you two—”
“Little
people.”
“Excuse
me?” Sir Cyrus was very unaccustomed to being interrupted.
“I
believe you called us ‘dwarves’ a moment ago. ‘Little people’
is the preferred and accepted term.”
“Is
that a fact?” Cyrus chewed the end of his soggy cigar. The rain
pouring in under his scant office tent made it impossible to keep it
lit, but he felt having it in his mouth added to his air of
authority. If he’d had a mirror he’d have realized that having a
drooping, dripping cigar impeding your speech only added to your air
of absurdity. “I’ll try to keep that in mind,” he continued
with the tone of one who intended no such thing.
The
more diminutive of the two little people seemed to recognize familiar
stormy waters in his boss’ demeanor. “Is there something we can
do for you, sir?” He nudged his politically minded partner into
silence.
“Well,
I’m so glad you asked that. Snow White sent word to me five minutes
ago that she refused to perform again as long as a certain dwarf—oh
excuse
me—little
person,”
he spat the phrase, “was employed here. Now would either of you
like to tell me why that is?”
The
taller of the two, whom Cyrus had mentally named Slappy, was already
reddening.
“She
started it! She said she’d hang me up by my ankles and see if she couldn't stretch me into a man!”
“Really?
That’s just terrible! Why do you think she’d go and do a thing
like that? Don’t you even think about going anywhere!” He added
to the other little person who’d begun edging away from the
conversation after learning that it didn’t have anything to do with
him. He flinched and stopped in his tracks.
“Well,”
began Slappy, “I gave her flowers yesterday, kinda as a joke, you
know, but I think she may have taken it the wrong way.”
“No
kidding? Would these, in fact, be the flowers trimmed out with
ladies’ safety razors that are lying on my desk right now?”
Slappy’s nod was barely perceptible. “Imagine that. I can’t
think of any reason why Snow White the Bearded Lady might take that
the wrong way! Now, I want you to go apologize to her this minute and
take her this box of chocolates. These have never failed me before.
Now go!” He shoved the box of Belgian truffles into Slappy’s
hands as the little person took off at a dead run.
“As
for you,” he addressed the other one who’d managed to edge all
the way to the tent flap again. “You seem much smarter than your
little friend. What’s your name?”
“Big
Joe, sir,” he replied quietly.
“Ah,
I see, one of those joke names. Irony, right? Because you’re so
short.”
“Um,
not exactly, sir. The name has nothing to do with my height,
actually.”
Cyrus
looked thoughtfully at Big Joe. “Son, you know this is a family
circus, right?”
Big
Joe wondered if his face were actually on fire or if it had suddenly
just gotten much hotter in the tent. “Yes, sir.”
“From
now on, if someone asks you that while you’re in my show, it’s
because of the height thing. Got it?”
“Yes,
sir!”
“Good.
Now here’s your job. Keep an eye on Slappy for me—”
“Slappy,
sir?”
Cyrus
cursed his habit of mentally tagging people in place of remembering
their names.
“Oh, the one who just left. What’s his name?”
“Little
Joe, actually.”
Cyrus
looked at him again. “Because of the height thing, right?” He
asked slowly.
Ever
the quick learner, Big Joe replied, “Exactly sir! Because he’s so
short, yes. Nothing to do with anything at all but his height.”
“Good.
What I want you to do is watch Little Joe for me. If he gets it into
his head to pull any more of his pranks I want you to come right back
and tell me all about it. I can’t afford to keep buying these
blasted chocolates. Go on now, get started!”
“Yes
sir!” Big Joe practically saluted Cyrus in his excitement to be
finally released.
“Whoever
heard of a prima donna with a beard, anyway?” Cyrus asked the empty
air after both Joes had left.
MEET THE AUTHOR
Ashley
Chappell is the author of Of
War and Taters (World
Castle Publishing), an irreverent paranormal romp set in the
fictional deep south. She is also the author of the young adult
fantasy Dreams of Chaos series (Alice
Will, Tilt and A
God of Gods)
which has been hailed by readers as “Darker and more entertaining
than the Heroes of Olympus Series.” The series is set in the
sentient god-universe Chaos where a teenage goddess is forced to
contend with the destructive habits of her dysfunctional godly
elders.
Upcoming
releases include: The
Hotting, a
Dreams of Chaos spinoff adventure for younger readers; and The
Editors, a
new adult urban fantasy. Other works in progress also include
outlining the script for her first comic The
Harrows, a
gritty adventure in which Hell is a job. She is also the creator
of Core:
A Game of Gods,
the pivotal game played by the immortals in Tilt:
Dreams of Chaos #2 that
combines the best parts of Risk and poker with an element of role
playing. The board game will be debuted in Spring 2015 (est) and
downloadable boards and instructions will be available on her
website for anyone adventurous enough to test their skills
against the gods.
Ms.
Chappell currently resides in Huntsville, AL with the love of her
life. During her writing time her cats sometimes share her lap with
her computer, should they choose to allow the usurpation at all. When
not writing, reviewing, or burying her nose in one of her well-worn
Terry Pratchett or Neil Gaiman novels, she can be found sailing with
her fiancé on their boat ‘Dupracity’ (Fans of Kurt Vonnegut will
want to ask her what that means).
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